«…The formation of crystals is a special activity of the mind, which makes the discovery of everything that it encounters: the beloved object has new perfections”. (Stendhal)
I was fifteen when I fell in love. It was a wonderful and reciprocal feeling. We were together for three years, but after graduation, our relationship ended. I naively called this experience “first love” until I realized that every time I met him on the street, I began to tremble and suffocate. Can warm memories of first kisses, tenderness, sex hide pain, addiction and a desire to harm myself?
In the essay “On Love”, Stendhal warns the reader: “… (often) what gives peace and happiness to one of the lovers is danger and humiliation for another.” Since I was a child, I have learned the “you must be submissive, non-conflict, comfortable” model and unconsciously tested its viability in my first relationship. I did not appreciate my own body and appearance and allowed to dress me up in such things I would never buy. I used to convince myself that I should never refuse. I forgave cheating, thus have become jealous and neurotic.
I am twenty-eight now, returning to the past so as to recollect the experience of the first relationship, to break free from previous attitudes and finally learn to separate care and violence in order to love differently.
NIZINA FEST Self-published book and Multimedia Festival, 2022
PROGRAFIKA art space (St. Petersburg) and Center of Contemporary Culture Zero Room (Samara);
Curators: Kristina Shkileva and Kristina Sergeeva.
Zherdela Self-published book and Multimedia Festival, 2022
Theater and Exhibition Center Makaronka, Rostov-on-Don.